The LOTR cont Uncensored Version
by The Cashew Nuts
Summary: This story picks up from where the books left off. Its main purpose is to give insight into how your favorite characters really act in social situations outside of war. True feelings revealed and inner demons released. Our first ever story! Please be kind
1. Chapter 1

Nut 2: Well boredom has finally overcome you and your actually takeing the time to read this piece of-

Nut 1: Classic literature! He he grins shiftily Really Nut 2 you need to promote your work, not, well whatever you were going to do.

Nut 2: It's your work. I thought we had made it clear that unless people find it good it is classified as your work.

Nut 1: My work? raises eyebrow Anyway back to the point. So you have made the decision to read this romantic action packed-

Nut 2: hits nut 1 okay promoting is one thing but lying? nut 1 rubs head grimacing well if we haven't put you of by now...RUN AWAY!

Nut 1: cough please read on.

It was soon after dawn and a small convoy of unlikely friends and companions (not to forget the odd self employed slave) made its slow way towards the magnificent construction that was the City of Gondor ( winner of tidiest city 2851).

Amongst the members of the party, were those recognized as heroes of the Third Age. The mismatched, but still very impressive group contained some of the most admired people of the time, and startled peasants on the roadside were knocking themselves out cold in their hurry to bow to the ground.

However the sight that met their eyes was well worthy of rendering them unconscious, for the leader of the troupe was none other than Aragorn, King of the intended destination. Behind him rode the equally impressive presence of the Steward of Gondor, Faramir and, the now King of Rohan, Eomer, side by side like good friends. After listening to them conversing however, it soon became apparent that this in fact was not the case.

The trouble that had arisen, perhaps the cause of the hostility, was riding behind them in the company of the Queen of Gondor, the elf Arwen. Perched upon an attractive adham Arabian, was the famous Shield Maiden (and women's rights activist) Eowyn of Rohan.

The journey had begun for the two men in question, with high spirits. After a friendly and highly enjoyable conversation about ale, swords and other typically manly things, Faramir, perhaps hoping to attract the attention of the eligible bachelorette prancing and swishing her hair behind them, had begun in loud tones to address his King with questions as to her availability and cooking skills.

Eowyn who at first had remained oblivious to the happenings in front of her now raised her head at the sound of her brothers, increasing in volume heated voice.  
"Sooooo Ari" Faramir began with a whole hearted attempt to sound smooth and perhaps demonstrate his good terms with the King "Who is that girl on the horse behind us?"  
Eomer let out what sounded surprisingly like a growl before managing to spit out  
"If you are referring to my sister, no one of your concern!" Aragorn finally became aware of the conversation and snapped his gaze away from his fingernails.  
"Not to worry Eomer! Consider your sister safe from the alluring charms of Faramir! I know for a fact that she is already deeply besotted with me and no steward whose talents lay solely in book keeping and puppy dog eyes could possibly cause any disruption to the admiration she feels towards me." He straightened his crown proudly. "I mean, my marriage didn't! As long as I ignore her completely she's bound to think she still has a chance!"  
Faramir tried to keep the disgusted look from his face, considering his life to be worth more than a display of feelings. He instead resorted to muttering something that sounded suspiciously like "Horsey Boy."

Eomer was struggling to decide whether to feel relieved about his sisters safety from what he was sure were un-wanted attentions or frightened by the quality of ruler they were employing these days.

The lull in the conversation at the front gave perfect way to that of the back. There, assembled on a series of mismatched ponies, rode four of the new wonders of the Gondorian public, (Quoted from popular magazine "THE KING! And other things not quite as great in Gondor") hobbits.  
The well known friends and drinking buddies, Meriadoc Brandybuck and Pereigrin Took, had been unusually quiet all morning, a feat perhaps brought on from the attention they were presently paying to their 'water' skins.

In front of them trotted the ever popular second place winner (Aragon being the automatic winner of all contests) of the T.K.O.T.Q.G.G. 'eyes we would most like to dig out and frame' competition, Frodo Baggins. About two steps behind him the ever faithful Samwise Gamgee kept an eye on the passing Gondorian's and a hand on the hilt of his sword incase a threat arose in any way to his 'master,' as he had taken to calling Frodo. So for the next few minutes an uncomfortable silence descended upon the company until a partially intoxicated Merry made the decision to ask the question that had been on his mind for the past few minutes.

"Strider! So how do you handle two women at once?" Merry slurred slightly and demonstrated his lack of understanding to the earlier conversation.  
"Two women?" Aragorn replied, demonstrating his lack of understanding to the current conversation. Arwen listened narrowing her eyes slightly.  
"Yes two. I mean Arwen's a bitch but Eowyn too?"  
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M A BI-WHAT EOWYN -YOU!"  
"ME! I mean I don't even like Aragorn!" Under the cover of Aragorn's verbal assault on Merry, and Arwen's on Aragorn, Faramir decided to make his subtle way towards Eowyn.

"So" he stated trying to make it sound like he was interested in her but didn't really care, but still did care a bit, but not too much. Unfortunately for him though, this resulted in his voice croaking out and the statement followed by a soft sort of choking squeak.  
"Oh! Hi Faramir, I wanted to talk to you-" Eowyn's view of Faramir was cut off as a large mass of horse and brother moved in front of her. Eomer spoke first.

"Faramir, I insist we do this properly. Please accompany me to, err, over there (he vaguely gestured to a plain on one side of them) so we can settle this like the well cultured noblemen we are and try to kill each other.  
In fact gather everyone! We can make a sport out of this!"  
"Ah. Ah ha ha. Yes well you see, um. I'm sorry, why do you want to kill me?"  
"YOUR BLATANT COURTING OF MY SISTER! Couldn't you see her desperately trying to escape your company! LOOK AT HOW UPSET SHE IS!" They both turn to Eowyn who blinked under their stares.  
"Um, actually, I'm not really," They all turned to watch Aragorn racing away from Arwen, and hastily suppressed their laughter.

Nut 1: congratulations you made it to the end, go past go and collect $200.

Nut 2: Hits nut 1. Enjoys squeaking sound and repeats we would appreciate a review but flames may make nut 1 cry.

Nut 1: Hey... Nut 2 slaps Nut 1 again, look of realization spreads across normally blank face. oh, yes yes, it would make me cry. winks at Nut 2 I would cry. Nut 2 notices keyboard and bursts into tears. Nut 1 pushes nut 2 away to prevent the computer from getting wet.

Nut 2: thank you for humoring us.

Nut 1: What nut 2 meant to say was thank you for reading the story glares at nut 2 who begins to cry again and we own nothing. Oh I should probably do that properly.

Disclaimer: We own no characters (as destroyed as they may be), places or events depicted in any of J.R.R Tolkien's writings. Sorry if any one was confused about that.


	2. Chapter 2

Previously   
"Ah. Ah ha ha. Yes well you see um. I'm sorry, why do you want to kill me?"  
"YOUR BLATANT COURTING OF MY SISTER! Couldn't you see her desperately trying to escape your company! LOOK AT HOW UPSET SHE IS!" They both turn to Eowyn who blinked under their stares.  
"Um actually I'm not really" They all turned to watch Aragon racing away from Arwen and suppressed laughter. Eomer then turned his attention back to Eowyn.

"Eowyn. My poor good hearted sister. I know how you feel and I know what you are like, but please do not waste your pity on this sorry excuse for a man! You don't need to cover for his unacceptable behavior." Eomer finished his declaration by pausing to eye Faramir for a moment regarding him as one from Rohan does when watching an inexperienced rider, before muttering "I mean he's a second child! You deserve better and for Ent's sake he's Gondorian!" Eowyn's hand flew to her mouth at the blatant use of racism, while Frodo, heroic as ever had latched himself onto Faramir's face in an effective (although somewhat primitive) method of restraint.

Frodo clung desperately, all the time well aware that he was only serving as a distraction at present. Not with all the blinking and adorable curly hair in the world would he be able to efficiently sedate the man that was currently brandishing a dagger in such a way that he and everyone else in a ten metre radius were at risk of decapitation. 

Well we all know the One Ring (R.I.P) wasn't destroyed by luck. No! It was destroyed by hard work, courage, determination, quick thinking, terrible camp stew and love (most of which were provided by Sam really) as well as a handy flaw and a well publicized weakness in its making.

So Frodo made the decision he had made so many times before, the decision that generally brought about victory and the decision that he quite possibly made whenever trouble arose.  
"SAM! SAM! HELP ME!" he called his voice easily equaling the volume of one of Eomer's own battle cries. Sam's eye's widened as he heard the cry for help and stopped midway through a sentence about in season waistcoats. Pippin frowned as he realized the conversation was over and promptly turned his attention back to Merry's 'water' skin which he grabbed earlier (no objections from the unaware Merry). 

Sam's thoughts were racing as was his heart.  
'Did he call me? My name? The gallant, honorable, brave and all round good guy, master? He treats me as an equal! Am I worthy of such kindness?' As Sam pondered his worthiness of such honors as his name passing through Frodo's lips, Frodo himself recognized the symptoms and took a different tact (as much as it pained him to use 'the things I have to endure to get a little help!' plan).

"Sam? Sammy? Here Sammy! C'mon Sam!" The 'here puppy' tactic was instantly successful as was the blow that Faramir then took to the back of his head from a frying pan. Well that part may have been a bit too successful as the hobbits discussed the most effective way to drape him on his horse.

(HALF AN HOUR LATER)  
"No we don't want his head dragging on the ground!"  
"Then pull him that way!"  
"Sorry that's as far as he goes."  
"Use his arm like a lever or something"  
"Can't reach it. Got a rope or a stick?"  
"No! That won't work! Don't stand on it! It'll break!" Standing back listening to them converse were Eowyn and Eomer, who were considering it upon their honour to safely escort the hobbits back.

Eomer was refusing to in any way assist them, and had suggested leaving Faramir (or 'Second Child' as he had taken to calling Faramir in his mind) several times already.  
He was keeping a firm hand on Eowyn's arm to prevent her from moving. 

"I just don't want you doing something you may regret in the future, like touching the slime ball." He had stated in his annoying protective, brotherly tone when she wriggled nervously watching Merry use a spatula to repeatedly hit Faramir's head in a valiant effort to move it into place.  
"Please just help them." Eowyn tried 'Move 1'.  
"No."   
"Damn" she muttered under her breath "I was hoping to avoid using this one" She took a deep breath before trying 'Move 2' which was well known for its higher success rate.

"But Eomer surely one of your calibre, intelligence, pity, and I must say stunning good looks, would be able to spread a little more of your kindness even to one as unworthy as him. I mean, it can only benefit your reputation with your generosity can't it?" She held her breath.

This was the most commonly used tactic and was responsible for half of her current wardrobe.  
"My reputation would only be tainted by the association with the likes of him!" So her ego inflation would have to rise to the next level. 'Move 2, Stage 2'  
"Oh but Eomer! Picture this! You're riding up to the gates of Gondor the legendary King of Rohan, Horse Master. The sun is setting as you ride and your awe inspiring silhouette can be mistaken for no others! Your sharp whistle pierces the air and from behind you a horse trots over the crest of the hill directly towards you. On it is the limp form of Gondor's Captain Faramir wilted over it backwards as he now sits in your shadow. The people watch on captivated as a meek looking woman (she flinched inwardly) and four of what appear to be young children join your impressive form in front of the gates. It is then they realise that you have been able to protect the entire group single handedly for perhaps the entire trip from Rohan. An entire City is willingly indebted to you for rescuing their pitiful Steward and treason is spoken and songs are sung of your superiority to him in every tavern, dining hall and house hold, even the King's Hall itself!"

Eowyn was panting after this speech and was glad for its end, as it gave her opportunity to breath. She couldn't help but let a small smile filter across her face. Eowyn was sure she had him now. His hatred and prejudice couldn't possibly be strong enough to resist one of her strongest attacks! There was no way he-  
"Gain the respect of a foreign country but lose that of myself? I do not believe it is worth it as he still benefits the outcome with his life. No. Much better would be to picture him limping through the gates on his own, and having to explain that he was beaten by a small pack of hobbits!" He laughed, "Either that or a group of farmers find the crows picking at him the next morning!" He didn't try to conceal his grin.

Eowyn was angry now and this anger was the key to unlocking the final blow: 'Move 3 aka Eomer is at risk of being permanently unable to lift a tissue.' Not noticing the warning signs and thunder clouds, Eomer allowed his grin to become a full bellied laugh at the thought and possibility of 'Second Child's' half devoured body littering the pathway.  
So it came as a shock when he heard Eowyn's voice hiss through the air and cut through him like a sword "Not that that would ever happen" he assured himself quietly "I'm too good of a fighter." But he may as well have been slashed apart as the effects of Eowyn's comment tore through him.  
"Well picture this now, brother dearest. Your recently beheaded body rolled into a ditch and Faramir riding back to Gondor on my horse!" Oh. My. Bay. Gotland. Pony. Eomer was aware that ignoring such a threat could result in his untimely death (he had a party to attend next Wednesday in his honour) and as he heaved Faramir onto his horse, Socksy, he didn't notice Eowyn's smirk as she thought  
"He was never at any risk. I'm wearing a white dress! Does he think I would risk that?"

So in the end it was neither Eowyn's nor Eomer's prediction that came to pass. Instead as they made there way up the levels of Gondor fruit was thrown at Eomer as the city folk made the brash assumption that it was a result of Eomer's treatment that their beloved Steward was in the state he was.

Eomer seemed to have underestimated 'Second Child's' popularity and perhaps the size of his fan club. He was resisting the urge to allow (or cause) Faramir's death to be a very public one, perhaps involving he himself strangling him, or a good trampling from Socksy. Eowyn was still able to enjoy the ride avoiding the fruit and pointing out things she saw excitedly.  
"It's bigger than I remember. Oh! A new market! We will have to visit! Hmm take note of that architecture I wouldn't mind something like that at home. Look at that view Eomer!" Eowyn appeared to be unaware that most of Eomer's view was constricted by a very ripe tomato that was dribbling down his helmet. "Oh good we are here!"

Nut 2: yay! Nut 1 just sent me this edited version so I could post at free will! Thank you to the readers and especially the reviewers however with the number of views there could have been more...but we are very thankful for the many (2) we got. They were very kind and encouraging! Really we love you both. You should have heard us squeal as we read them! If you want to see more of us making fools of ourselves in the middle of English Literature review more and I can guarantee it!


	3. Chapter 3

(LATER KINGS HALL)  
"Well." Aragorn began what was bound to be another breathtaking, awe inspiring, patriotic, men ("And women!" quoted by Eowyn of Rohan, leader of the Rewrite History! Rise of Herstory! Club) rallying, entrancing and most likely an intentionally brain washing speech designed to raise taxes or encourage men ("And women!") to die for their King ("And Queen!").

He continued, "Our mission is clear, however, our plan is yet to be determined." He paused here to cause suspense and to survey his audience consisting of Eomer and Faramir.  
Observing from a safe distance to avoid the rain of spittle bound to be flying out of Aragorn's mouth as soon as he got to a bit about killing something, were Eowyn and Arwen.

He noted the latter pair's rapt attention with smug satisfaction noting that it must be his stunning good looks keeping them captivated. It was of course impossible to think that women could possibly begin to come close to comprehending or being interested in such matters as wars and fighting (unless it had something to do with tapestries or embroidery).

Aragorn continued to ponder such matters unaware that only the privacy of his mental speech was keeping him alive in the presence of two dangerous feminists who certainly were not opposed to cleansing the world of chauvinistic, doctrine, biased pigs like himself. He then turned his attention to the men whose own attention was not concentrated on him as he had hoped, but instead focused in high doses of glaring at each other.

In fact the daunting structure that was Kings Hall, that usually provided a silence so intense it could drive a lone steward insane, was echoing with a number of comments. These comments that were originally quietly murmured and barely audible were now being spat in either direction, occasionally reaching volumes that broadcasted each opinion to half of Gondor.  
"Second child"  
"Horsey boy!"  
"Low ranked!"  
"Arrogant!" Eomer struggled to think of another insult that could work to permanently cripple his opponent's ego. The 'arrogant' comment had been an effective move on Faramir's part but he was determined to think of something better to prove his intellectual prowess. 

"…" Faramir grinned triumphantly at the lack of response he had one there was no way Eomer could find an insulting comeback to counter his breaking move.

"…Bookworm." 

Faramir's eyes widened in shock. He was unable to understand how the brother of an angel could be so mean! It was then he realized that Eomer was indeed a worthy opponent, and to win he would need to take a gamble on his life and bring out the…err… big swords.  
"Illiterate fool." He got the reaction he wanted knowing he had hit the truth or close to it.  
"WHAT NO! HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT! I HAVE A NOBLES EDUCATION!"  
"Spell education."  
"EH? WHY? I MEAN, NO! WHAT THAT'S NOT! I… of course I can…it's a simple one I…"  
"It begins with 'f'"  
"Oh yes of course… I was about to say that I knew of course... 'f' of course 'f'" Everyone in the room stared at Eomer. Aragon made the wise decision to intervene before the new alliance of Rohan and Gondor collapsed entirely.

"Well men-"He noted Arwen and Eowyn and made another wise decision. "erm…audience, that's enough for today. I have an important appointment to attend too." He winked at Eowyn who nodded back. "So discussions on the topic of the recapture of Minas Morgul are adjourned to be continued at a later date. Thank you for your attention." He then took the time to glare at Eomer and Faramir for their earlier lack of attention to the latter topic.

Feeling angered by their current lack of attention he moved towards Eowyn who was waving goodbye to Arwen. "Well Eowyn?"  
"Yes fine. Where this time."  
"Don't worry it can be in my private quarters."  
"Good, but I'm sure anything's an improvement on the broom closet." Aragon blushed.  
"I was desperate!"  
"Fine. Let's go."

(ARAGONS PRIVATE QUARTERS)  
Eowyn rinsed Aragon's hair twice, before searching through her bottles of shampoo. Aragon closed his eyes contentedly imagining the smooth silky locks that would soon be his.

"Thanks Eowyn I don't know what the men would say if they knew I liked my hair shampooed."  
"Yes well whoever said 'sweaty locks are in for the new masculine effect' had no sense of taste. I mean, look at how you brushed up for your coronation!"  
"Yes well, I got over the 'greasy locks look' when I, erm, sorry, we defeated Sauron! I mean, unkempt when fighting is heroic. Bad styling in everyday life is just plain slack."  
"Exactly! Now would you like 'Lilly of the Valley' or 'Aloe Vera'?" 

An: hey there guys! (Imagine affected high voice.) Sorry we took so long to update, nut 2 only just sent this to me. I, of course had it edited as soon as it was sent! Hehe (grins guiltily, while nut 2 glares at her disgustedly.) well maybe I left it a little while before I edited… anyway, hope you enjoyed this chapter, and did not get to many bad connotations from Aragorn's and Eowyn's exchange. (Exchanges smirk with nut 2.) Anyway, please leave a review if you liked it. Or even if you didn't like it.

nut 1


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